Midnight Prayers

Daddy, 

Calm my heart. 

Heal this hurt. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

When I was small I had nightmares. Vivid nightmares, where I felt like I could not escape. And I would wake crying loudly, terrified. And every time I would closet eyes, the picture would be burnt into the back of my eyelids, and thebdre would continue. My mom would come hold me and rock me and sing to me. She would comfort me.

But none of those things she sang were as comforting as her whispering those six words into my ear over and over and over again. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away.

And now, even as a grown young woman living on my own, I find myself repeating those words in trying times. Times when I feel my life is a nightmare spiraling out of control. 

I fully understand why my mom chose the words she did. While all I wanted was to cling to my mommy, She knew one day she would not be there to pull me into her lap and let her kisses make it all better. She knew one day she may not be able to tell me it was all going to be okay. She knew above all that when that day came and I found myself needing to cling to something, that my place of shelter and comfort needed to be portable. 

And He has been. He has been with me every step. 

So Jesus, kiss my tears off my cheeks. Guard my dreams, keep away the terrors. Lead me. Bring me rest. 

Hold me, rock me, Lord make it all better. 

Lord, carry me, cause my legs are unsteady and my feet can find no solid footing. 

I stumbled, I fell, so please, please pull me out of this. 

Make it all better.

Love, 

LacyBri

Compass

So let your heart, 

Sweetheart, 

be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it 

wherever it may go

And when all is said and done 

You can walk instead of run

'Cause no matter what 

You'll never be alone 

- Compass: Lady Antibellum 

This song has a super catchy tune. It's fun to sing and sway along to, and is literally music to your ears.

But when you stop and actually listen to the lyrics, they can rip your heart up. 

For so long I have been running; sprinting; no, bolting toward my future. Head on, I've taken everything in stride. I never slow down, then I complain about not having enough time to breathe. Or think. 

And I begin losing myself, every part of what makes up me.  I've proven myself to be good at everything I do, but rarely am I great at anything. 

And there are just some things that I am downright bad at. Like being friends with people. I am a great friend, but only for a moment in time, because once I see that someone has the potential to hurt me, I pull away. I close the windows and doors, locking them in a special place in my memory, and I take off running. 

I live my life a 10 second quarter mile at a time. Anything slower is simply not fast enough. But let's ask this. How on earth can you see the wild flowers going a buck fourty down the highway? You can't. You may know the general color of the vegetation beside you, but you will never know what you are missing unless you slow down. 

And right now I feel like I am missing everything. ...if only it were as easy as put into practice the words coming out of my mouth. 

Well Mr. Of Whom I am to be Your Future Mrs., you are right to not be around right now, for I am dreadful. I am terrifying, and you do not want to see me as I am. There may be days I beg for you to show up and rescue me, but I am not ready at all for you to show up, because you cannot save me. You will not magically fix me, no matter how good having you in my life will be. I apologize in advance for how hard it is going to be to convince me I can rely on you, because buddy it's not going to be an easy road. I am strong willed and stubborn. I probably always will be. I like to feel capable, and confident, and I like knowing how to things on my own. I like the thought of you feeling confident that I can take care of myself. 

That being said, I will love it when you open the car door for me, and when you bring me flowers. Not roses. Flowers. Daisies and orchids are my favorite.  I will smile when you make me happy, and I will laugh easily. One day, I will be ready for you to find me. 

Today, however, is not that day. 

Today, I am lost without my compass. 

Love, 

LacyBri

 

Velvet and Splinters

I learned something about friendship today. In my head I've always pictured a pair, where one person is always taking care of the other.

See, in most cases I have been the sole caregiver. Then recently I went through this phase where I didn't want to take care of anyone, and so I started just pushing people away, but I have some really incredible people in my life who forced me to let them step in to care for me instead. So in my mind I became the needy one.

But tonight I finally realized that a true friendship rests in the balance. In being vulnerable enough to let your friends care for you, but also in taking the time to know them well enough to notice the slightest change in their mood or their breathing, or a lift of their eye brow when an uncomfortable subject arises. A true friendship is being gentle enough to remove their splinters, and capable enough to pin them down when they try to fight.

And letting them know you to that same level. 

Yes, I do believe I have found some true friends.  

Missing My Best Friend

As much as I try to convince myself that I'm okay, I find him everywhere I look. Even places he hasn't been. 

I miss his presence among my family that he never got to meet. 

I miss him in the empty space on my left hand where I never gave him the chance to put the ring he had picked out. 

I miss him in that achy space in my heart. The place he never should have left in the first place.

...and it takes more willpower to convince myself I don't need him than it would take to just call and tell him I miss him, and that he is an idiot, and I just want to fix everything. 

I have yet to give in, though. 

I have yet to give in. 

We shall see...

Lacy Brianne 

Break-ups Suck... continued.

Sometimes I write things that I don't share with the world. A lot of times, actually. 

But this time, I decided to let you all see me. Real and nitty gritty, as broken, vulnerable, and unedited as it gets.  

And as the waterfalls cascade from my eyes, I write: 

You left a long time before I finally let go. And I did let go. But I miss you. More than words could ever say. I miss you. 

And I am not alright right now. 

So what I want to know was this. Was she it for you? Was she what you couldn't find in me? Or was she just a filler because I couldn't be there? 

Why'd you walk away? Why'd you pretend? Why didn't you just tell me so I could fix it? So we could fix it. Or were you just looking for a way out?

We were supposed to grow old together, you and me. I wanted you to be there next to me when I was 90. When I took my last breath I wanted to be holding your hand, just like I wanted to be holding it when we were 70 and 40 and 26 and having our first child, and in a couple years when we boarded a plane to see the world, and sooner when we were standing at an alter exchanging vows of forever. 

I wanted those eyes to be the ones I stared into for the rest of my days. I wanted that smile to greet every morning. Those hands to run through my hair, and those arms to hold and love me. 

It was supposed to be you. I was set on it. And you threw it away. I just want to know why. 

When I finally allowed myself to piece it all together, as much as I hated it, it all made sense. That's when you started pulling away, and I began seeing that we were broken without understanding why. You were never good at lying to me. It ate you up inside every time. 

I guess that's really what broke us in the end. But God, I wish we could have fixed it before it was too late

...as it is now. 

Pretty raw, but that's how I feel right now. Bruised. Broken. Exhausted. Drained.

Done. 

LacyBri

Break-ups Suck. The Sequel

Well I found out last night that this boy I have loved since I was 15 cheated on me.

Yup.

Honestly I've been completely blindsided by it. I had no idea. None. He had me completely convinced that nothing had ever or would ever happen between he and this girl. 

You see I had been concerned about her in the beginning. She had bothered me a lot, the fact that he was spending so much time with this girl, and that despite knowing about me she chose to tell him that she liked him. 

Being a girl, I can't see how you would possibly throw yourself out there like that, unless you felt there was a chance the feelings were reciprocated. Unless you knew that there was some chance, even an off chance, that you thought he would act on your feelings. And such a thought would never have existed if unless the boy in question had given you a reason to believe such.

But despite all this, I believed him when he said nothing was going on. At one point, he and I even got into a fight over it, and he told her he wasn't going to be around anymore. He chose me over her. 

But I guess at that point the damage had already been done. And there was nothing I could do to fix the gap his secret has caused between us. 

He was never good at keeping secrets from me, and in doing so, in hiding this secret and lying to me for months about it all, he literally carved the Grand Canyon into the middle of our relationship. 

How does one recover from that?

Well, the answer is, you can't. You don't. It rips you to pieces, and you lose your other half, slowly, only to find out why much too late. 

So there's that. The end. For real this time, I'm not even mad at him. I'm just hurt, and confused. 

But time heals all wounds right? Yeah. Also there are lots of other fish in the sea. And any other cliches you can think of....

Yup. 

Lacy Bri

Break-ups Suck. Part 1

Well, a couple weeks ago I ended what was pretty much a 5 year relationship. Being only 20, that is a huge chunk of my life and needless to say, I loved this boy. I still do, and a part of me probably always will. Heck, I spent a quarter of my life with him at my side (figuratively since he lived in Louisiana and I in Arkansas).

I did all of my actual growing up with him as my right hand man, whether our relationship was momentarily labeled only a friendship or romantically. He knew me better than anyone. I told him all my secrets, all my dreams. 

I let him see parts of me that most people don't even know exist. 

He was my rock. He was my anchor through all my storms. He was my conscience at times and the voice in my head telling me to take chances at others. He was my anxiety pill when I was stressed. My diffuser when no one else knew what to do with me. 

He was my heart. 

And then I learned what it really meant to give yourself to God. What it meant to actively seek after him instead of simply "admit believe confess."  I learned what it meant to want to stay in his presence, and it became something I will never be able to get enough of. I wanted it, and so chose to embark on this new and exciting journey.  I wanted said boy to come with me; for us to make this journey together throughout the rest of our lives.  

But said boy got left behind.  Despite the fact that we met on a mission trip, and Blake is what the average American would consider to be a Christian, somewhere along the way, God started knocking, for real, and Blake said no. 

Well in a relationship, one person can't say "Yes Lord, lead me!" while the other is dragging their feet. It doesn't work like that. It tears you in opposite directions. It splits you apart. Long story short, that is what happened. We split apart. 

And it was a lot easier than I ever expected it to be, knowing I was doing the right thing for both of us. For me especially. 

It was still one of the hardest things I've ever done knowing that I was ending it for good. Tradeing in your best friend of 5 years for someone who you can't "see" or "hear" is super difficult, but God has orchestrated everything so that one day it will fall into place. 

For now I am going to keep my chin up, and this smile on my face? It isn't pasted on because I don't want people to see that something is wrong. It's my, this sucks but I refuse to be defeated by you face. 

But for now, God, I wouldn't complain if you decided you wanted to hold me up as I walk through all this. 

With much love,

Lacy