Midnight Prayers

Daddy, 

Calm my heart. 

Heal this hurt. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

When I was small I had nightmares. Vivid nightmares, where I felt like I could not escape. And I would wake crying loudly, terrified. And every time I would closet eyes, the picture would be burnt into the back of my eyelids, and thebdre would continue. My mom would come hold me and rock me and sing to me. She would comfort me.

But none of those things she sang were as comforting as her whispering those six words into my ear over and over and over again. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away. 

Dear Jesus please make it go away.

And now, even as a grown young woman living on my own, I find myself repeating those words in trying times. Times when I feel my life is a nightmare spiraling out of control. 

I fully understand why my mom chose the words she did. While all I wanted was to cling to my mommy, She knew one day she would not be there to pull me into her lap and let her kisses make it all better. She knew one day she may not be able to tell me it was all going to be okay. She knew above all that when that day came and I found myself needing to cling to something, that my place of shelter and comfort needed to be portable. 

And He has been. He has been with me every step. 

So Jesus, kiss my tears off my cheeks. Guard my dreams, keep away the terrors. Lead me. Bring me rest. 

Hold me, rock me, Lord make it all better. 

Lord, carry me, cause my legs are unsteady and my feet can find no solid footing. 

I stumbled, I fell, so please, please pull me out of this. 

Make it all better.

Love, 

LacyBri

Compass

So let your heart, 

Sweetheart, 

be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it 

wherever it may go

And when all is said and done 

You can walk instead of run

'Cause no matter what 

You'll never be alone 

- Compass: Lady Antibellum 

This song has a super catchy tune. It's fun to sing and sway along to, and is literally music to your ears.

But when you stop and actually listen to the lyrics, they can rip your heart up. 

For so long I have been running; sprinting; no, bolting toward my future. Head on, I've taken everything in stride. I never slow down, then I complain about not having enough time to breathe. Or think. 

And I begin losing myself, every part of what makes up me.  I've proven myself to be good at everything I do, but rarely am I great at anything. 

And there are just some things that I am downright bad at. Like being friends with people. I am a great friend, but only for a moment in time, because once I see that someone has the potential to hurt me, I pull away. I close the windows and doors, locking them in a special place in my memory, and I take off running. 

I live my life a 10 second quarter mile at a time. Anything slower is simply not fast enough. But let's ask this. How on earth can you see the wild flowers going a buck fourty down the highway? You can't. You may know the general color of the vegetation beside you, but you will never know what you are missing unless you slow down. 

And right now I feel like I am missing everything. ...if only it were as easy as put into practice the words coming out of my mouth. 

Well Mr. Of Whom I am to be Your Future Mrs., you are right to not be around right now, for I am dreadful. I am terrifying, and you do not want to see me as I am. There may be days I beg for you to show up and rescue me, but I am not ready at all for you to show up, because you cannot save me. You will not magically fix me, no matter how good having you in my life will be. I apologize in advance for how hard it is going to be to convince me I can rely on you, because buddy it's not going to be an easy road. I am strong willed and stubborn. I probably always will be. I like to feel capable, and confident, and I like knowing how to things on my own. I like the thought of you feeling confident that I can take care of myself. 

That being said, I will love it when you open the car door for me, and when you bring me flowers. Not roses. Flowers. Daisies and orchids are my favorite.  I will smile when you make me happy, and I will laugh easily. One day, I will be ready for you to find me. 

Today, however, is not that day. 

Today, I am lost without my compass. 

Love, 

LacyBri

 

Velvet and Splinters

I learned something about friendship today. In my head I've always pictured a pair, where one person is always taking care of the other.

See, in most cases I have been the sole caregiver. Then recently I went through this phase where I didn't want to take care of anyone, and so I started just pushing people away, but I have some really incredible people in my life who forced me to let them step in to care for me instead. So in my mind I became the needy one.

But tonight I finally realized that a true friendship rests in the balance. In being vulnerable enough to let your friends care for you, but also in taking the time to know them well enough to notice the slightest change in their mood or their breathing, or a lift of their eye brow when an uncomfortable subject arises. A true friendship is being gentle enough to remove their splinters, and capable enough to pin them down when they try to fight.

And letting them know you to that same level. 

Yes, I do believe I have found some true friends.