Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend some amazing quality time with one of my "other families." The Stackhouse family has been a huge part of my life since...well, since I was born. You see I am the oldest of four children, so I don't have any older blood-siblings. However, family is who you make it, and in that sense, I have an older brother, David, and an older sister, Lynsey.
I have always been extremely attached to these two individuals. I used to cry because I didn't want to leave their house (which I have now outgrown.) Lynsey and I have always been close, sharing toys and clothes when we were together, thoughts and memories as we got older, and dreams and plans as we went out into the world "on our own." Some days were filled with laughter, others with tears, but we have made it this far and I can't wait to see what more God has in store for each of us :)
Yet, while having an older sister is a wonderful thing, the bond that a young lady can have with her older brother is nothing short of amazing. David and I have always had an extremely unique relationship. There is five years between the two of us, and since we spent the majority of our childhoods living at least three hours apart, we never went through the "Mom! She's annoying me!/He's being mean to me!" phases.
From the beginning, David took me under his wing, and was a sort of nurturer. When he was a senior in high school, my family took a trip to see his, and as everyone else was getting ready for bed, he grabbed his keys and took me to Starbucks. The conversation that would follow was the first of many marking major milestones in my life. You see I was twelve at the time, and he knew that in the next few months, I would be hitting those hard teen years, where no matter what you do, it feels like some part of your world is about to fall apart. He wanted to make sure that I knew where my foundation needed to be. We were all raised in church, but growing up a church-goer doesn't make you a believer. That was the concept he shared with me that night, and though I already knew that, it put things in a very new and different light for me.
Having had a hundred conversations over the years, I can honestly tell you that it didn't surprise me a bit when David announced that he was going to Seminary. You see, he has been blessed with the gift of wisdom, and throughout my life, has made certain that he never misses an opportunity to share a bit of it with me. We have had many many conversations like that since then, but last night's conversation took an unexpected turn. I was asking questions about his organization, SOMA, and we started talking about the hopes that I have to one day start an eating disorder clinic/rehab, and to make a long story shorter, and we ended up talking about my battle with anorexia. but it was not the normal conversation I have with people when they ask me about my disease. David took on a whole new perspective, and compared it, and the (previous) constant presence of a boyfriend in my life, to that of a hollywood actress.
You see the point that he presented to me was that the eating disorder itself was not the problem. The boyfriends were not the problem. The uncertainty about a dream I've had was not the problem. So while I could cut those things out of my life, I wouldn't ever really be rid of them, until I faced what the real problem was; like weed-wacking, or trimming a hedge, only to have it grow back scraggly and more full again and again.
So he posed the question "what is the real problem?" I just looked at him very confused for a long moment, knowing he was right, but not seeing how.
"Let me put it to you like this. I think you're trying to work the math problem backwards." He held out his hand in a cupped position as if he were holding the problem in it. "You can trim away at the hedge all day long and you are still going to have a hedge unless you pull it up by the root. Your problem, is that you lack the understanding of your own identity in Christ. You don't know who you are."
Well that really hit home, because like I said, he was right. I spend so much time feeling like a lost traveler, knowing I need to be somewhere, but blindly walking on a journey, without enough faith to see that I have a destination. Logically, the idea would be to trim away at the hedge so that you can see the trunk more clearly, which may very well be a necessary step. But it can't stop there. because unless you get rid of the bad root, the effects that you initially see as real problems are going to continue to come back. You have to throw away the bad root. Kill the part of you that disgusts yourself, and have complete faith that God is going to make the New you whole and good.
We had a long discussion about all the things we have done, that we are ashamed of, or that we have had a hard time forgiving ourselves for, things that make us unhappy or disgusted with ourselves. And I talked about how becoming close to people is not easy for me, because when you are upset with yourself, and you tell your best friend, you don't have to rehash all that bad stuff to get them to understand why you feel the way you do. and yet again, David gave me one of the most profound statements I have ever heard.
"Maybe, that is part of the healing. Maybe, rehashing all that bad stuff, maybe letting your guard down enough to let someone new in is how you overcome everything that you harbor on the inside."
Maybe, just maybe, this is where the healing begins.
David prayed for me and with me, and then hugged me, and said "okay, I'll let you talk to him now." Then he walked back inside and left me standing on the back of a houseboat staring at the stars with nothing obstructing my direct line to God. and I prayed. and cried. and really truly came to know what it meant to be broken. You see, I wasn't broken by God. I was broken by the fact that I had to bring before him all the blood on my hands, and say Daddy, wash it off.
But after that happened, a peace fell over me. A peace like I have never felt before. and the old hym "it is well with my soul" popped into my head. A star shot across the sky, and I was yet again in absolute awe of how majestic my Savior is; how incredible his forgiveness is; how much he cares for me.
So, I may not know the next step. I may not be sure of what is going to happen, and I may be terrified at times, but I guarantee you one thing, I am going to have enough faith that when I tell that mountain not to "move," but to "Jump," it is going to say "How High?" and I am going to spend my days worshipping the God, who Loves me.
Redeemed and Renewed,
Lacy
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