But this time, I decided to let you all see me. Real and nitty gritty, as broken, vulnerable, and unedited as it gets.
And as the waterfalls cascade from my eyes, I write:
You left a long time before I finally let go. And I did let go. But I miss you. More than words could ever say. I miss you.
And I am not alright right now.
So what I want to know was this. Was she it for you? Was she what you couldn't find in me? Or was she just a filler because I couldn't be there?
Why'd you walk away? Why'd you pretend? Why didn't you just tell me so I could fix it? So we could fix it. Or were you just looking for a way out?
We were supposed to grow old together, you and me. I wanted you to be there next to me when I was 90. When I took my last breath I wanted to be holding your hand, just like I wanted to be holding it when we were 70 and 40 and 26 and having our first child, and in a couple years when we boarded a plane to see the world, and sooner when we were standing at an alter exchanging vows of forever.
I wanted those eyes to be the ones I stared into for the rest of my days. I wanted that smile to greet every morning. Those hands to run through my hair, and those arms to hold and love me.
It was supposed to be you. I was set on it. And you threw it away. I just want to know why.
When I finally allowed myself to piece it all together, as much as I hated it, it all made sense. That's when you started pulling away, and I began seeing that we were broken without understanding why. You were never good at lying to me. It ate you up inside every time.
I guess that's really what broke us in the end. But God, I wish we could have fixed it before it was too late
...as it is now.
Pretty raw, but that's how I feel right now. Bruised. Broken. Exhausted. Drained.
Done.
LacyBri
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