"Incredible" barely scratches the surface when it comes to describing this weekend. I was so beyond touched. I was healed.
I had a ton of fun, going on improv double dates to church's chicken in the middle of a room of people (who I look forward to getting to know more and more as time goes on), and doing some interesting team building exercises :-p
but that's not exactly where the incredible part lies...
The last night, they did a segment on forgiveness. We had to write a debt list, and it listed people, starting with our parents, moving to friends, romatic relationships, and eventually God and yourself. When I began writing, I already knew some things I wanted to address, but I decided to be completely open, and to allow God to dig up anything I needed to let go of that I didn't know I was harboring.
Come to find out, there were some things that I was angry with my dad for that I hadn't even known bothered me. As I have said before, I am a total daddy's girl. I love him with everything, I hold no hard feelings. However, the beauty of letting God consume and dig up your dirt, is that He won't ask you to address anything He can't help you get over. So, I was able to forgive for things I never knew I needed to, little things like his constructive criticism being to harsh when I was a child.
Then came Cassy. You see, Cassy was my closest friend, but she started making some terrible life decisions, as I began to draw closer to God, and so the gap between us became enormous. We kept stretching the bridge between us though, not wanting to lose contact. Then she did some things that were very hurtful; to me, and to my best friend (who happens to be a guy) whom she hadpreviously dated. When I tried to address these things, she became angry, saying that the guy was only trying to drive a wedge between the two of us, that I needed to stop letting him control my life, that I was never really a true friend. Those things hurt to hear. Badly. Because she had no reason to believe that I had ever lied to her. That I had ever been dishonest.
So I gave it to God and Cassy, I forgave you.
Then came Corey in the line of things that needed forgiven. I have talked about him previously in my blogs. He was a summer fling between my senior year of high school and college, that got messy at the end, and he scarred me deeply. I have wanted to forgive him for months now, and had even made a point to do so a couple weeks ago. But, the pain was still there so something wasn't computing. Something was missing, because quite honestly, I didn't even know where to begin. He hurt me so deeply.
But this is the incredible thing. I got to see God's plans for me in retrospect this weekend. For the past year, my good friend Michael has been encouraging me to go to Chi Alpha. Okay, encouraging is a weak word in this situtation. Michael never invited me to Chi Alpha in the "you should come" sort of way. Everytime we spoke, he would look me in the face and be like "Lacy. Be there. You NEED to go."
I used work as an excuse, and didn't go. Though throughout the year, he refused to give up. Everytime he saw me for an entire year, he told me where I needed to be. He never tired of reminding me to pursue my relationship with God.
My King cared about me enough to use a friend to chase me down, turn me around and pull me back. The same friend that he used to keep me from slipping entirely off the edge during my battle with anorexia. And He brought me to Chi Alpha, for a lot of reasons, one in particular being this retreat, so that I could address all my demons and banish them. So that I could finally let Him HEAL me entirely and completely and wholly of my anorexia. So that I could truly forgive those who had hurt me.
Forgiveness comes in two parts. First, the actually forgiving, and second, the praying of a blessing over the person you are forgiving.
So: Daddy, I pray that God blesses you with everything you have desired for your family.
Cassy, I pray God blesses you with a true friend you can depend on, someone who will not abandon you, and with the gift of discernment, so you will know the difference.
Corey, I pray that God blesses you with someone through which His love will be blatantly evident, and I pray that God blesses you with the ability to forgive everyone who has ever hurt you.
The fact that I have the ability to genuinely wish for those things is further proof of how incredible my Savior is.
With Hope,
Lacy Brianne
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Friday :)
For those of you who follow me on here I would just like to let you know that I will be out of commission this weekend. I am heading on a retreat with Chi Alpha. :) I'll catch you all up on Sunday evening!!
Have an excellent weekend!
Lacy Brianne
Have an excellent weekend!
Lacy Brianne
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Turn the Page, Dear Sister - Day 9
As a working college student, a moment of free time is rare. It is cherished. And in the off chance it sneaks up on you, it tends to leave you with the thought "Oh crap, I know I'm forgetting to do something."
Over the last couple days, every spare second I could squeeze out of my day has been spent editing scholarship essays for my little sister. As if I wasn't immersed in enough school/book work already, I decided to take on some more. And the funny thing was, it didn't seem to take away any of my time at all. I enjoyed it, because I suppose it was a gift of love.
You see, Lexi is My little sister. I am possessive, protective, and not afraid assassinate you if you hurt her. Yes, Assassinate. It will be that big of a deal. I love her with all of my heart.
Which is why my week has been dedicated to spicing up her English. If you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of the writer of the family, which is just fine, because Lexi's love of math and science is going to make her one of the worlds best pediatricians someday. However, it will be my big words inserted into her essay's that get her a second glance, and her passion for people that seals the deal.
So why are we furiously constructing essays? Well, she has several scholarships due in the next couple weeks during which time she will be in Nicaragua. As in the country. In South America. Far away from me.
I am so excited for her, as she gets to embark on this phenomenal new journey. While I sit here, and pray that God keeps her safe, that He protects her, that He walks by her every moment.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am in no way worried that she will be physically hurt, but the thought of being half a world away from her is kind of nervewraking for me. I won't be there if she needs me, and I have to fully trust God with one of my most precious treasures. Not that I don't already do that, it's just a lot easier when you know you could be there in an hour, two tops, if she really needed you than it is when you are miles and miles apart.
So this it a leap of faith, for both of us. A new page in our journals. A new journey that we take both alone and together.
Gute Reise! Bon Voyage! Safe travels, my dear sister. I love you!
Love,
Lacy Brianne
P.S. Tooth Brush. Clean Underwear. Don't forget them. :-)
Over the last couple days, every spare second I could squeeze out of my day has been spent editing scholarship essays for my little sister. As if I wasn't immersed in enough school/book work already, I decided to take on some more. And the funny thing was, it didn't seem to take away any of my time at all. I enjoyed it, because I suppose it was a gift of love.
You see, Lexi is My little sister. I am possessive, protective, and not afraid assassinate you if you hurt her. Yes, Assassinate. It will be that big of a deal. I love her with all of my heart.
Which is why my week has been dedicated to spicing up her English. If you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of the writer of the family, which is just fine, because Lexi's love of math and science is going to make her one of the worlds best pediatricians someday. However, it will be my big words inserted into her essay's that get her a second glance, and her passion for people that seals the deal.
So why are we furiously constructing essays? Well, she has several scholarships due in the next couple weeks during which time she will be in Nicaragua. As in the country. In South America. Far away from me.
I am so excited for her, as she gets to embark on this phenomenal new journey. While I sit here, and pray that God keeps her safe, that He protects her, that He walks by her every moment.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am in no way worried that she will be physically hurt, but the thought of being half a world away from her is kind of nervewraking for me. I won't be there if she needs me, and I have to fully trust God with one of my most precious treasures. Not that I don't already do that, it's just a lot easier when you know you could be there in an hour, two tops, if she really needed you than it is when you are miles and miles apart.
So this it a leap of faith, for both of us. A new page in our journals. A new journey that we take both alone and together.
Gute Reise! Bon Voyage! Safe travels, my dear sister. I love you!
Love,
Lacy Brianne
P.S. Tooth Brush. Clean Underwear. Don't forget them. :-)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Caution: This may be offensive - Day 8
"Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction; pay attention and gain understanding."
This was the beginning of my devotion today.
Now I normally stay pretty happy and while I am opinionated, I try to have respect for everyone elses opinions. I generally try not to be abrasive, but tonight is a different story. Warning: this may offend you.
So many people on my newfeed are literally ranting like madmen over the outcome of the Presidential election; talking about how the nation is going to crumble and fall apart. The reason for this overdramatic expression of emotion does not stem from the fact that "we chose the wrong man." It is that the American people, my christian friends included, have lost sight of one very important fact.
Our God Reigns.
You fools! Do you not think God is in control anymore? You cry out begging God to have mercy on our country, but you seem to forget that He has a plan. He has always had a plan. He knows what He is doing, so here's a grand idea. TRUST HIM, like you claim to.
"Take hold of my words with all your heart. Keep my commands and you will live."
This nation survived four years of Obama, the man you are all ranting about.
We will do it again.
"Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk from your lips."
Gentlemen, this means Do Not Try To Provoke One Another With Your Facebook Status's. Many of the things I've seen would be considered Treason in another country. Be thankful you have the right to say them.
Calling the majority of the voting population "idiots" only makes you look like a caveman. Do not lower yourself to that level. As a christian, you should be concerned about how you are interpreted, whether or not you care who you offend. If you offend someone by striving to be Godly, that is their problem, but when you are not setting a good example, it makes you the one with the problem. As your sister in Christ, it's my job to tell you when you have stepped out of line. You sir stepped WAY out of line.
"Do not turn to the right or left. Keep your foot from evil."
Don't get so caught up in politics that you forget who you are supposed to be striving to be like.
There I'm done.
Lacy Brianne
This was the beginning of my devotion today.
Now I normally stay pretty happy and while I am opinionated, I try to have respect for everyone elses opinions. I generally try not to be abrasive, but tonight is a different story. Warning: this may offend you.
So many people on my newfeed are literally ranting like madmen over the outcome of the Presidential election; talking about how the nation is going to crumble and fall apart. The reason for this overdramatic expression of emotion does not stem from the fact that "we chose the wrong man." It is that the American people, my christian friends included, have lost sight of one very important fact.
Our God Reigns.
You fools! Do you not think God is in control anymore? You cry out begging God to have mercy on our country, but you seem to forget that He has a plan. He has always had a plan. He knows what He is doing, so here's a grand idea. TRUST HIM, like you claim to.
"Take hold of my words with all your heart. Keep my commands and you will live."
This nation survived four years of Obama, the man you are all ranting about.
We will do it again.
"Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk from your lips."
Gentlemen, this means Do Not Try To Provoke One Another With Your Facebook Status's. Many of the things I've seen would be considered Treason in another country. Be thankful you have the right to say them.
Calling the majority of the voting population "idiots" only makes you look like a caveman. Do not lower yourself to that level. As a christian, you should be concerned about how you are interpreted, whether or not you care who you offend. If you offend someone by striving to be Godly, that is their problem, but when you are not setting a good example, it makes you the one with the problem. As your sister in Christ, it's my job to tell you when you have stepped out of line. You sir stepped WAY out of line.
"Do not turn to the right or left. Keep your foot from evil."
Don't get so caught up in politics that you forget who you are supposed to be striving to be like.
There I'm done.
Lacy Brianne
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This Day In History - Day 7
Just a quick blog today, because I am exhausted.
I am going to take a break from sharing my devotions to talk about a large current event.
Well, as I'm sure you're aware, today was election day. I could go on about how everything went down, who I voted for, what my political views are, but I really just can't get two thoughts out of my head.
1) I am so immensely greatful to live in a country that gives me the opportunity to complain about my government. I am FREE to say what I want, to make my own decisions, and CHOOSE MY LEADER. That is an incredible gift that I know I take for granted.
2) Our country needs prayer. Sure it would be easy to pray for one candidate or the other to hold office, but I feel that that is really missing the big picture. Sure, Obama won, but had Romney taken office, our country would still need the same amount of prayer. The problem is not with our leaders, but lies at the Heart of the People. Our nation needs prayer.
First that we would come back to our Lord.
Second: we need to pray for our President. Not pray about him. PRAY FOR HIM. He's going to have a lot on his shoulders over the next four years, and he needs to trust that our Lord will walk him through it.
Third: we need to pray for the candidate who lost tonight, and his family. Loss is never easy, and it these next few days, weeks, and months have the potential to be very strenuous on them. Pray that God holds their family together.
So tonight as you rant and rave or rejoice, Remember, the change we need begins with you.
Thats all.
Lacy Brianne
PS: update on the fasting challenges: 7 official days without soda, 12 actual days! and I have not purchased a single article of clothing for myself. :) yay!
I am going to take a break from sharing my devotions to talk about a large current event.
Well, as I'm sure you're aware, today was election day. I could go on about how everything went down, who I voted for, what my political views are, but I really just can't get two thoughts out of my head.
1) I am so immensely greatful to live in a country that gives me the opportunity to complain about my government. I am FREE to say what I want, to make my own decisions, and CHOOSE MY LEADER. That is an incredible gift that I know I take for granted.
2) Our country needs prayer. Sure it would be easy to pray for one candidate or the other to hold office, but I feel that that is really missing the big picture. Sure, Obama won, but had Romney taken office, our country would still need the same amount of prayer. The problem is not with our leaders, but lies at the Heart of the People. Our nation needs prayer.
First that we would come back to our Lord.
Second: we need to pray for our President. Not pray about him. PRAY FOR HIM. He's going to have a lot on his shoulders over the next four years, and he needs to trust that our Lord will walk him through it.
Third: we need to pray for the candidate who lost tonight, and his family. Loss is never easy, and it these next few days, weeks, and months have the potential to be very strenuous on them. Pray that God holds their family together.
So tonight as you rant and rave or rejoice, Remember, the change we need begins with you.
Thats all.
Lacy Brianne
PS: update on the fasting challenges: 7 official days without soda, 12 actual days! and I have not purchased a single article of clothing for myself. :) yay!
Monday, November 5, 2012
An average Monday in the life of Me - Day 6
My devotion from this morning:
Proverbs 3:17 "All her (wisdom) paths are peace"
When we are truly wise, we will no longer feel strung along by this life. We will know that we are onthe path God has laid out for us, and we will be able to follow it without any reservations. It talks about wisdom being a "tree of life"; full and satisfying, then points out everything created to sustain us, and make us wonder.
It tells us to use discretion, and confirms that the Lord is our protector, we should not be afraid. And remember this as you go about your day: the Lord blesses the humble.
And the rest of the day....
Point 1: I am so thankful to have people in my life like Michelle Cates (if you are reading this, stop. now. go do your homework. you can come back later. love you!) This girl was so unexpectedly thrown into my life, and since then has been a constant encouragement to me. Just needed to throw that our there!
Point 2: I adore my co-workers. At one point today we were haveing a conversation about church, and we started talking about the problem with "youth churches." That story however is far too great to be squeezed into an excerpt. It needs it's own blog, actually, so more to come, but don't worry, it's not entirely a rant, and it's quite hilarious. But I will tell you this now; they know exactly how to make me laugh when I feel that I am at my worst.
Point 3: So Carp's mentor is in town and spoke at Chi Alpha tonight (I will get to hear more from him this weekend, at the retreat I'll be attending and let me just tell you, I am excited) He talked about the likeness of children, and how we should strive to align ourselves with that likeness.
A few of the things he said really hit home for me, one of them being trusting someone with intimate details. Children tend to be very trusting, because they haven't been hurt yet and they have no reason not to trust. However as we get older, we realize that there are people in this world who aren't to be trusted.
What we tend to ignore though, is the fact that there are those who are good, kind, just; those who deserve our trust; yet for fear of being hurt, we hold them at arm's length. We don't want to share, because they might take too much of us. We guard our hearts, and take a chance at being alone, rather than the chance at getting hurt again.
We will never heal from this though, if we refuse to let ourselves. We must have a childhood honesty and authenticity about what makes us tick. What strengthens and weakens us. We must not be afraid to let someone in, because unless you take that chance, how will you ever know.
One final thing that really stuck with me..."a good message is dependent on the condition of your heart." I guess that means that God's working on mine; telling me it's time to let go and love; everyone and everything, with all that I am. I guess if I get hurt again, He'll be there to put me back together. He's making my life a mosaic.
Proverbs 3:17 "All her (wisdom) paths are peace"
When we are truly wise, we will no longer feel strung along by this life. We will know that we are onthe path God has laid out for us, and we will be able to follow it without any reservations. It talks about wisdom being a "tree of life"; full and satisfying, then points out everything created to sustain us, and make us wonder.
It tells us to use discretion, and confirms that the Lord is our protector, we should not be afraid. And remember this as you go about your day: the Lord blesses the humble.
And the rest of the day....
Point 1: I am so thankful to have people in my life like Michelle Cates (if you are reading this, stop. now. go do your homework. you can come back later. love you!) This girl was so unexpectedly thrown into my life, and since then has been a constant encouragement to me. Just needed to throw that our there!
Point 2: I adore my co-workers. At one point today we were haveing a conversation about church, and we started talking about the problem with "youth churches." That story however is far too great to be squeezed into an excerpt. It needs it's own blog, actually, so more to come, but don't worry, it's not entirely a rant, and it's quite hilarious. But I will tell you this now; they know exactly how to make me laugh when I feel that I am at my worst.
Point 3: So Carp's mentor is in town and spoke at Chi Alpha tonight (I will get to hear more from him this weekend, at the retreat I'll be attending and let me just tell you, I am excited) He talked about the likeness of children, and how we should strive to align ourselves with that likeness.
A few of the things he said really hit home for me, one of them being trusting someone with intimate details. Children tend to be very trusting, because they haven't been hurt yet and they have no reason not to trust. However as we get older, we realize that there are people in this world who aren't to be trusted.
What we tend to ignore though, is the fact that there are those who are good, kind, just; those who deserve our trust; yet for fear of being hurt, we hold them at arm's length. We don't want to share, because they might take too much of us. We guard our hearts, and take a chance at being alone, rather than the chance at getting hurt again.
We will never heal from this though, if we refuse to let ourselves. We must have a childhood honesty and authenticity about what makes us tick. What strengthens and weakens us. We must not be afraid to let someone in, because unless you take that chance, how will you ever know.
One final thing that really stuck with me..."a good message is dependent on the condition of your heart." I guess that means that God's working on mine; telling me it's time to let go and love; everyone and everything, with all that I am. I guess if I get hurt again, He'll be there to put me back together. He's making my life a mosaic.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Steady my heart-Day 5
Today was a day for reflection.
My devotion was in Proverbs 3:7-12. I want to focus on two particular verses: 8 and 12.
Eight talks about how fearing the Lord and shunning evil will "give health to your body and nourish your bones." and twelve states that "The Lord disciplines those He loves"
Verse 8 offers me so much peace because of the eating disorder that I struggled with. That was by far one of the lowest valleys in my life. I couldn't tell anyone that I had a problem, because it would add more to everyone else's stress levels. I was under an immense amount of pressure to hold my whole world and everyone in it properly in orbit.
I was saved when I was 5, so I always knew "who God was" and that He would "be there for me," but I never once stopped to think that He could just fix everything. That if I trusted Him, he would be there to carry me. I was determined to weather my storms independently.
Verse 12 talks about being disciplined. I used to feel that when bad things happened, it was because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to. I had messed up somewhere along the line, and all those bad things were the result. Then today I was thinking back to all the times I ever got in trouble with my dad. He would always make sure that I knew what I had done wrong, before he disciplined me, and most the time, it was to keep me from doing something that would potentially hurt me.
God is a lot like that. He doesn't like disciplining us, but when He has to, He will make sure we know the cause and the punishment, and understand why it is just.
There have been so many times throughout all of my trials that I have felt so separated from God. I have felt so broken, hurt, abused, detatched. Utterly Lost. During these times, I let the pain build up inside by hiding it. That pain held on tighter than ever imagined.
I was listening to Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe today and found a very subtle connection to the way I had felt. It took me a long time to realize it, but that girl who went through all those trails didn't go through them alone. Even when I chose to ignore that God was there to help, it didn't change the fact that He never left my side.
The older I get, the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more I see that he really does steady me. "Lover of my soul; Healer of my scars" He heals my scars, He nourishes my body, He makes me whole. Pretty neat stuff huh?
I hope you are enjoying this journey as much as I am!
Nourished,
Lacy Brianne
My devotion was in Proverbs 3:7-12. I want to focus on two particular verses: 8 and 12.
Eight talks about how fearing the Lord and shunning evil will "give health to your body and nourish your bones." and twelve states that "The Lord disciplines those He loves"
Verse 8 offers me so much peace because of the eating disorder that I struggled with. That was by far one of the lowest valleys in my life. I couldn't tell anyone that I had a problem, because it would add more to everyone else's stress levels. I was under an immense amount of pressure to hold my whole world and everyone in it properly in orbit.
I was saved when I was 5, so I always knew "who God was" and that He would "be there for me," but I never once stopped to think that He could just fix everything. That if I trusted Him, he would be there to carry me. I was determined to weather my storms independently.
Verse 12 talks about being disciplined. I used to feel that when bad things happened, it was because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to. I had messed up somewhere along the line, and all those bad things were the result. Then today I was thinking back to all the times I ever got in trouble with my dad. He would always make sure that I knew what I had done wrong, before he disciplined me, and most the time, it was to keep me from doing something that would potentially hurt me.
God is a lot like that. He doesn't like disciplining us, but when He has to, He will make sure we know the cause and the punishment, and understand why it is just.
There have been so many times throughout all of my trials that I have felt so separated from God. I have felt so broken, hurt, abused, detatched. Utterly Lost. During these times, I let the pain build up inside by hiding it. That pain held on tighter than ever imagined.
I was listening to Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe today and found a very subtle connection to the way I had felt. It took me a long time to realize it, but that girl who went through all those trails didn't go through them alone. Even when I chose to ignore that God was there to help, it didn't change the fact that He never left my side.
The older I get, the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more I see that he really does steady me. "Lover of my soul; Healer of my scars" He heals my scars, He nourishes my body, He makes me whole. Pretty neat stuff huh?
I hope you are enjoying this journey as much as I am!
Nourished,
Lacy Brianne
Lean on Me - Day 4
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5
This is one of my absolute favorite verses, and I think that is partially attributed to by the fact that I have such a hard time with it.
You see, I don't really have trust issues so-to-speak, but I am definitely a micro-manager. I like to plan things out and know where things are going. I guess you could say that's a weakness of mine. I trust that God is going to work everything out, but I really like knowing what the "everything" is defined as exactly. I want to know the end result so I can plan how to get there.
That's why I like this verse so much. Because I know God isn't letting me in on the end result, so that the path I take to get there will not be my own but His.
Despite this realization, I often overstep my bounds in my very conversational relationship with God. I talk while He listens, He talks, and sometimes I talk back, like a teenager who thinks they know it all but have a lifetime's less experience than the person they are talking back to. In those situations, it has a tendency to end in a "(huffs) FINE, I will do it, but I need you to know that I am not happy about this!!"... and then it always works out.
"In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight...do not be wise in your own eyes" Proverbs 3:6-7a
In order to allow my life to play out the way God has planned for me, I have to submit. and not in the "I'm doing this because I have to" way, but moreso because I want to. I have to obey, out of reverence. And in this search for wisdom, I must remember that I cannot learn it, it must be given to me.
Trusting and Leaning
Lacy Brianne :)
This is one of my absolute favorite verses, and I think that is partially attributed to by the fact that I have such a hard time with it.
You see, I don't really have trust issues so-to-speak, but I am definitely a micro-manager. I like to plan things out and know where things are going. I guess you could say that's a weakness of mine. I trust that God is going to work everything out, but I really like knowing what the "everything" is defined as exactly. I want to know the end result so I can plan how to get there.
That's why I like this verse so much. Because I know God isn't letting me in on the end result, so that the path I take to get there will not be my own but His.
Despite this realization, I often overstep my bounds in my very conversational relationship with God. I talk while He listens, He talks, and sometimes I talk back, like a teenager who thinks they know it all but have a lifetime's less experience than the person they are talking back to. In those situations, it has a tendency to end in a "(huffs) FINE, I will do it, but I need you to know that I am not happy about this!!"... and then it always works out.
"In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight...do not be wise in your own eyes" Proverbs 3:6-7a
In order to allow my life to play out the way God has planned for me, I have to submit. and not in the "I'm doing this because I have to" way, but moreso because I want to. I have to obey, out of reverence. And in this search for wisdom, I must remember that I cannot learn it, it must be given to me.
Trusting and Leaning
Lacy Brianne :)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Those Days
There are days where I just hate the world. Where every bad thing that has ever happened to me builds up and boils me down to nothing. I feel powerless against it.
To be honest, it's not whole days. Well sometimes it is, but not in this case. Today, this evening, it just hit suddenly. It is during times like these that I realize how much anger I still have pent up about things that I thought I had let go of.
And I get angry with myself for the fact that I am still holding on. There are triggers, but I feel that they should have dulled by now, yet some of them are as strong as they were the day after the event.
I realize that there is a Godly way to look at this, yet sometimes, I trip and stumble and find it hard to make the connection. I am such a happy person, well not always happy, but bubbly incandescent, joyful; and it kills me to be angry.
So I had to vent; let some of it out; I had to once again let a little more of it go.
As always,
Lacy Brianne
To be honest, it's not whole days. Well sometimes it is, but not in this case. Today, this evening, it just hit suddenly. It is during times like these that I realize how much anger I still have pent up about things that I thought I had let go of.
And I get angry with myself for the fact that I am still holding on. There are triggers, but I feel that they should have dulled by now, yet some of them are as strong as they were the day after the event.
I realize that there is a Godly way to look at this, yet sometimes, I trip and stumble and find it hard to make the connection. I am such a happy person, well not always happy, but bubbly incandescent, joyful; and it kills me to be angry.
So I had to vent; let some of it out; I had to once again let a little more of it go.
As always,
Lacy Brianne
Friday, November 2, 2012
Fighting with Forgiveness
My devotion today was in Proverbs 1:19-33, and it was full of so many examples of the ways we stray from wisdom and instruction, the ways we fight authority. It shows us that God gets angry with us when we blatantly ignore Him.
I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent here.
I think a lot of times, we have a skewed view of what it means for God to forgive us when we wrong Him. Yes, His love is unconditional, and yes, He will always forgive us, but I think we rarely stop to actually think how much it hurts Him when we don't listen.
He gets angry, and rightfully so. He gets jealous of all the things we fill our lives with that aren't in Him. and He has promised to forgive us, but that doesn't mean it is always easy for Him to do so.
I met with my d-group for chi alpha tonight and at one point during the night we talked about the meaning of forgiveness. Let me just tell you that it is not easy for me to forgive people sometimes. I tend to be very discerning when it comes to letting go of petty little unimportant things, but when someone really hurts me to the core, I know how to hold a grudge like the best of them.
One such instance is that of my relationship with a boy named Corey. At the beginning, I thought Corey's arrival into my life had been ordained, and little did I know that it had, just not by the One I thought it had been. You see Satan has a conniving way of making you beleive you are getting exactly what you want, with the intention of destroying you along the way.
Corey's dad had started a church in their little home town up near Branson, and so Corey was very involved in church. He had all the right lines memorized, and on the outside, it seemed too good to be true. It was.
While he was perfect out in public, he had a way of making me feel worthless. He wanted me to be this pretty little blonde Barbie doll, and didn't know me well enough to know that that was never going to happen. I've always been strong willed, so no one knew how bad I was hurting while I was with him, because there was no way that I was going to let anyone know I had a flaw. As soon as I was locked away in my room though, it was an entirely different story.
I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep.
and wondering why I wasn't good enough.
On my 18th birthday, some terrible things happened, the sort of things that leave deep scars.
and to make a long story much shorter, it took me the better part of a year to recover my self-image and realize that I was more than just damaged goods. That I was worth something.
Now, I am not writing all this for the purpose of outing that boy, or tarnishing his name. I doubt he will ever even know it was written. The purpose of this is so that you might see that according to the human race, I have every reason to hold a grudge. To hate this boy.
And yet I want, with everything in me, to forgive him. I have spent so much time and wasted so much energy holding that grudge. I am ready to let it go; to be free from how hurt I was. In very American terms, I am ready for some closure; not the let's sit down and have a heart-to-heart kind, (because I really feel it would be a terrible idea ever to come into contact with him again) but just knowing that I've closed the book. I am ready to forgive.
It may not happen tonight, or tomorrow, or even this week, but soon. Because God tells us to forgive. and in Proverbs 1:23 He tells us to "come and listen to my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise." So I am done fighting the urge to forgive. I am forgiving.
Love always,
Lacy Brianne
I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent here.
I think a lot of times, we have a skewed view of what it means for God to forgive us when we wrong Him. Yes, His love is unconditional, and yes, He will always forgive us, but I think we rarely stop to actually think how much it hurts Him when we don't listen.
He gets angry, and rightfully so. He gets jealous of all the things we fill our lives with that aren't in Him. and He has promised to forgive us, but that doesn't mean it is always easy for Him to do so.
I met with my d-group for chi alpha tonight and at one point during the night we talked about the meaning of forgiveness. Let me just tell you that it is not easy for me to forgive people sometimes. I tend to be very discerning when it comes to letting go of petty little unimportant things, but when someone really hurts me to the core, I know how to hold a grudge like the best of them.
One such instance is that of my relationship with a boy named Corey. At the beginning, I thought Corey's arrival into my life had been ordained, and little did I know that it had, just not by the One I thought it had been. You see Satan has a conniving way of making you beleive you are getting exactly what you want, with the intention of destroying you along the way.
Corey's dad had started a church in their little home town up near Branson, and so Corey was very involved in church. He had all the right lines memorized, and on the outside, it seemed too good to be true. It was.
While he was perfect out in public, he had a way of making me feel worthless. He wanted me to be this pretty little blonde Barbie doll, and didn't know me well enough to know that that was never going to happen. I've always been strong willed, so no one knew how bad I was hurting while I was with him, because there was no way that I was going to let anyone know I had a flaw. As soon as I was locked away in my room though, it was an entirely different story.
I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep.
and wondering why I wasn't good enough.
On my 18th birthday, some terrible things happened, the sort of things that leave deep scars.
and to make a long story much shorter, it took me the better part of a year to recover my self-image and realize that I was more than just damaged goods. That I was worth something.
Now, I am not writing all this for the purpose of outing that boy, or tarnishing his name. I doubt he will ever even know it was written. The purpose of this is so that you might see that according to the human race, I have every reason to hold a grudge. To hate this boy.
And yet I want, with everything in me, to forgive him. I have spent so much time and wasted so much energy holding that grudge. I am ready to let it go; to be free from how hurt I was. In very American terms, I am ready for some closure; not the let's sit down and have a heart-to-heart kind, (because I really feel it would be a terrible idea ever to come into contact with him again) but just knowing that I've closed the book. I am ready to forgive.
It may not happen tonight, or tomorrow, or even this week, but soon. Because God tells us to forgive. and in Proverbs 1:23 He tells us to "come and listen to my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise." So I am done fighting the urge to forgive. I am forgiving.
Love always,
Lacy Brianne
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